stuck at the office

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Two days away from Spring and I’m feeling a longing for the outdoors. I feel lucky to have a job that I love, but looking out the window on such a beautiful day like today and already feeling the perfect amount of warmth that these days have to offer makes it a bit hard to concentrate on the computer screen. Today, getting out a 6pm sounds like drag because I know the sun will be setting by then. I could go out for some coffee and sit at the outside tables, though. Half-full, not half-empty.

A few things on my mind that distract me from constantly looking out the window is that I’m 2 weeks away from my 1st wedding anniversary. We don’t have special plans but I really look forward on using that day as an excuse to re-post wedding videos and pictures. I got a sewing machine so I’ll be working on a couple of projects this weekend and tomorrow I’m going to go dress-shopping with my sister-in-law (her sweet 15 is coming up). Hopefully I can sneak some sun and hopefully the weather doesn’t decide to get bipolar and rain (like last weekend). Less jackets, more cardigans and bring on the prints.

Awkward Silence

Lately I’ve been thinking about this dreaded moment in a conversation. Truth be told, any silent moment is an awkward one for me unless I’m with someone close to me, and by close I mean my husband, parents, siblings and that’s about it. What is it about this that freaks me out? I’m not sure but I’ve come to realized it’s one of the main reasons I don’t easily acquire close friends. Friends I have, just not close. I seem to always keep this wall and wait to see if they can tear it down. I won’t take the first step of course, because I’m scared of the awkward silence. What if we have nothing to talk about? What if we become quiet and have nothing to say? In my case, a great indicator that I am truly comfortable and close to someone is if I don’t dread this silent moment. If I’m able to keep my anxiety away and just sit there, quiet, and still enjoy the moment, then I’ve made it. I can be friends with someone, but until I can push myself to go out just the two of us without any nerves or anxiety, they’re not close friends to me. I have few friends I consider close.

It’s so odd, too because when I think about how I would describe myself, one main adjective would be social. I am really social. I love talking to people, from anywhere in the world, any age, and situation. 

A psychologist told me that this had to do with acceptance. That’s odd, I see myself as a self-confident woman. I hold my head up high in any situation and rarely turn away from anything. I guess this is some sort of insecurity I have that I’ve never tapped into before. Writing about it is the first step in dealing with this.